Do to your children what you want others do to them

When I was 22 and studying in Europe for a couple of years, I used to teach English to two devilish boys of probably 5 & 8. They were very naughty and would never sit down for a lesson. One would run away and the other followed. Their parents ran a store and the mother would take charge of the house and also work at the store. They would do typical things many Indian families living abroad do to 'keep in touch with Indian culture' like dress then in ethnic wear and start preparing for months in advance for the Diwali celebrations. Which meant that the mothers met to plan the Diwali mela and 'entertainment program'. They decided on a song or set of songs the kids would gyrate to. This done, I would watch them meticulously fit in these dance practices with the rest of their schedule consisting of of school, baseball practice, homework, reading etc. It was pretty amusing to me as it wasn't a world I was part of. It was just another way, I felt, the idea of being 'Indian,' was used and abused. I would often hear of a store that offered an 'indian' something, say a recital by someone who had been to India and would offer a cooking class or a mini dance recital. It was just so amusing to me. Sometimes it would really irk me, the way people would wait for an opportunity, probably inadvertently, to stereotype. It still irks me, just that I am calmer about it and know just how to give that slight grin which, I hope, just disconcerts whoever asks me silly questions about India, or whatever Indian, to wonder if they just made a fool of themselves. (This was after laboring long hours in front of the mirror. Afterall, I did confess to Karen, my friend that I would've been an actress if I weren't in this profession. To my credit, I was even offered a role for a show on television when I was about 20 that I flatly refused coz I was made for more intellectual pursuits. Yeah, right!!) Like the cashier at the Trader Joe's who asked me if it were true that all Indians had to marry whoever their parents picked for them. To whom (I responded in my mind that yes it was just like it was true that all Americans walk around with guns in their hands) I said no and smirked.

Anyhow, going back to what I started writing about, I would be painfully patient with those two devils. I would wait for them, do funny things to get their attention, basically be 'mommy' (read 'a mommy') for those two hours. I would travel by metro for nearly and hour and a half each way to meet them on Saturday mornings (I never denied that I was young and foolish). I probably taught them for a year, give or take a couple of months.

Things changed after a few months.

I was all of 22 and had no experience really dealing with kids besides my cute cuddly nephew and nieces I would play with when we visited them, and they could be promptly handed over to the parents when I didn't understand their needs. So after the larger part of that year, the boys were nearly a year older and naughtier. The parents were getting busier, older and less patient. I would notice the mother just lose her patience with them often and scold and sometimes even yell at them. Actually she started yelling at them a lot. Suddenly I realised that I could do the same. I no longer needed to be as calm and patient with them. I could just scold them as their mother did. I would never dare scream at them coz thats not me. so it became so much easier for me to just 'crack the whip' at them. I became sterner and stricter. I think the mother saw that and didn't particularly like that I was no longer a slave to her kids. In my mind, I was just reinforcing the parents' behavior, which I thought, they were most used to and worked in that household. Mind you, I was being a saint when compared to how the parents treated them. I was just being sterner with them, which I should've been in the first place.

Yesterday I noticed the MIL being stern to my 21 month old when he was doing something and I wondered whether I had been so to him in front of her. Probably yes. The point is that parents have more liberty with their children in dealing with them. We know what works better and what doesn't and what our children like or respond to best. My son does not respond well to anger. It makes him angry and behave differently. That is just not him. (I make a distinction between sternness and anger)

Only that I would expect a grandmother to know the difference. To know that you can't throw your weight on a little one when you are just a visitor in his life. To not be so matronly. It also made me think of how my own behavior changed with those two boys. In my defense, I was young and naive. I am now always going to watchful of how gently and respectfully I treat my son, especially in front of others who do not know the difference. If it were my mom, she would ask me to never get upset with baby, no matter how tired I were. Toddlers can be naughty and my little one can be very naughty. There is a way to be firm without throwing your weight around. Anyway, mama duck me will, as always, find a way of getting a message across in a sugar coated pill.